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by Tod Maffin
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The United States just put tariffs on Canadian mushrooms [CBC story].
Mushrooms. We've done softwood lumber, we've done dairy, we've done steel. But we have now arrived, ladies and gentlemen, at the fungus aisle.
At least this time, the dipshits in charge of the circus down there don't think Canadian mushroom growers are a secret cartel, or that mushrooms are a national security threat — which, I might remind you, they think our raw steel is.
A loophole pointed at their own foot
The argument this time is that Canadian farms benefit from agricultural tax exemptions. That's it. Tax exemptions. That's what they're mad about now. The kind of tax exemptions that every farm in every country on earth gets, including American farms.
Which means Trump, master negotiator, has just set a trap for his own country.
If tax exemptions are now a valid weapon, then every other country can turn around and use the same logic against American agricultural exports. These numptyfucks just handed the entire world a loaded argument, pointed it at their own farmers, and called it trade policy.
Scraping the bottom of the bin
This is how you know they're completely running out of tariff ideas. They've worked their way through the big stuff. Lumber. Canola. Potatoes. Steel. Aluminum. Cars. And now they're standing in the produce section, staring at a bin of fungi from Chilliwack, and thinking: I got you now.
T O D B I T
Canada supplies nearly all of the button and portobello mushrooms imported into the U.S., accounting for 98% of American fresh mushroom import value in 2024, making it effectively the only game in town for American buyers who need fungal relief.
I might also use this as an opportunity to remind people that when the U.S. puts tariffs on another country's products, it's their own buyers who have to pay that tax. We don't. That just hurts their own restaurants, grocery stores, snack makers, compost producers, and health supplement companies.
Embarrassment is the new anger
Honestly, at some point up here, we Canadians stopped being angry, and now most of us just feel embarrassed for them. The Americans voted into office a proxy government run by the Russians. I know not all of them did, but enough did.
When you think about it, maybe mushrooms are the perfect product: They grow best when kept in the dark and fed bullshit.
They're nature's decomposers. They break down dead things.
In some ways, it's the most self-aware trade policy America has ever produced.
Trivia
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Last Week:
The Funny Bone
Forty-one per cent of Agriculture Canada jobs are in Ottawa
by Greg Kearney; used under licence.
What You Missed This Week
The Good News ♥️
Former Montreal Canadiens star P.K. Subban has completed the $10-million pledge he made to the Montreal Children’s Hospital more than a decade ago.
A photographer in Newfoundland captured a photo of a heart-shaped pool in the middle of an iceberg.
A great horned owl named Casper has acted as a foster mom to over 500 owlets at the Orphaned Wildlife Rehabilitation Society in Delta, BC.
Three residents of Dawson Creek, BC, were honoured this week for their lifesaving bravery during a 2022 bear attack.
May is Asian Heritage Month; celebrations and events are taking place across the country.
Canada was ranked 19th on the U.S. News and World Report 2026 Best Countries list.
SCIENCE!!!!!! 🔭
Canadian-developed technology helps a new telescope probe answer questions about how stars and galaxies form and move through space.
The Mole Mobile Clinic has begun its cross-country tour screening for skin cancer.
A Grade 10 student from Guelph, ON, is taking her love of squirrels to the Canada-Wide Science Fair.
Prime Minister Mark Carney met with the crew of Artemis II in Ottawa on Wednesday.
The First Peoples 🪶
The legacy of smǝlqmíx Elder cewel’na Leon Louis was honoured at syilx water gathering.
Some are criticizing the backlash to Gov. Gen. Mary Simon’s brand of bilingualism.
Indigenous students at Edmonton's Archbishop O'Leary High School are preparing for grad by creating ribbon skirts and shirts.
Hundreds of people gathered in Winnipeg to mark Red Dress Day with community support and calls for justice.
Rubaboo - A Métis Cabaret is taking the stage at the Royal Manitoba Theatre Company from now until May 23.
Canadian Content 🍁
Paralymic snowboarder Tyler Turner gives other sports a try in his new eight-part weekly TV series of 30-minute episodes, All In,on AMI-tv and AMI+.
Wolf Parade frontman Spencer Krug has released his latest solo album Some Fangs.
Joseph Dandurand of the Kwantlen First Nation in British Columbia was inspired by the sound of spring when he wrote his lates childrens book Pipa:m̓: The Touch of the Frog.
Toronto comedian Jesse Olsen’s debut album Come Snacky is out now.
Montreal author Janet Torge was inspired to write her latest book I Can’t Believe I’m Old after falling on a slippery sidewalk.
Sports 🏒
The Walter Cup is coming to Canada! The Montreal Victoire and the Ottawa Charge are facing off in the PWHL finals.
The Montreal Canadiens, the only Canadian team still standing in the Stanley Cup playoffs, are up 3-2 in the second round against the Buffalo Sabres.
A Canadian foursome won bronze in the mixed relay at the World Triathlon Cup in Chengdu, China.
The Canadian Elite Basketball League (CEBL) and CBC Sports announced a broadcast partnership that will see games air on CBC and CBC streaming platforms.
Across Canada 📍
New Brunswick held municipal elections on May 11; 37 municipalities will see new mayors take office, while 40 will see the return of their incumbents.
Ottawa’s world-famous Tulip Festival is underway for its 74th year.
More than 50 Buddhist monks from around the world gathered in Montreal to celebrate Visakha Puja, or Vesak, one of Buddhism’s holiest days.
A new facility designed specifically to offer support for first responders and veterans has opened on Nova Scotia’s Eastern Shore.
Canada’s Market This Week
Royal Bank | |
TD Bank | |
Enbridge | |
ScotiaBank | |
Bank of Montreal | |
CP Rail | |
Shopify | |
Canadian Tire | |
Loblaws | |
Tim Hortons (RBI) | |
Dollarama | |
Rogers |