While the American president threatens to annex NATO allies, rest assured that’s nothing compared to the 50-year standoff Canada had over a cold, barren, uninhabitable chunk of limestone in the middle of nowhere.

And instead of bombs or bullets, we fought with flags and booze.

This is the real-life saga of Hans Island — where two nations fought over nothing, and achieved everything.

It started in the 1970s, when Denmark and Canada were drawing maritime borders between Greenland and Canada. They breezed through over 1,400 miles of icy waterlines but got hung up on this rock:

Both sides said it was theirs. Both sides had half-decent reasons. And instead of solving it like your average superpower—with tanks and press conferences—they decided to just leave it be.

For 50 years, this uninhabited island—barely the width of downtown Whitehorse—just sat there.

Shit Gets Real (Politely)

Then, in 1984, Canada moves in our troops. We plant a flag, put down a bottle of whiskey, and leave. Denmark comes by the following year, yanks our flag, plants their own, and drops off their own bottle.

This back and forth continues for decades. Each time, a visit, a flag, a bottle of booze. People still call this the Whiskey War for that reason.

But this wasn’t all jokes and giggles. Both countries actually cared about this. They had historical claims and maritime law on their minds. They brought in the Inuit communities who’d owned and used the island for centuries. Inuit hunters from both sides called it Tartupaluk, used it for generations, and probably thought the whole whisky thing was ridiculous—like watching two dads on the ice argue over who gets to name the fishing hole.

And then, it was over.

And then three years ago, after 17 years of negotiations, it was over. A deal signed in the most rational way possible: we split the island right down the middle, like two elderly church ladies splitting the last butter tart on the tray — politely, but with just a hint of judgment.

The best part is that all along there was already a line in that rock. A natural crack that ran down almost the middle of it. Fifty years and they only thought of using that line then.

In true fashion, they sealed the deal with one last booze swap.

Diplomacy by adulting

This is what diplomacy done by adults looks like.

Decades from now, when kids in Nunavut learn about Hans Island, they won’t learn about a war. They’ll learn about wisdom. About two nations that shared a past, saw a future, and made a choice to build a border that didn’t divide people—it united them.

That’s the kind of map Mr. Trump should be drawing. Not one of conquest, but one of cooperation.

And if he wants to leave something behind, let it be a little bit of humility. And a bottle of whiskey.

First, the Good News 🙂

• Bacon bonding: A former Emotional Support Pig now his own Emotional Support Chicken who is helping him adapt to a new life at a B.C. wildlife rescue centre.

• Back in Flannel Hands: Mountain Equipment Coop is returning to Canadian ownership

• Fore-Wheel Drive: Yes, those are golf carts on the streets of Victoria B.C. And yes, they’re allowed to be driving there.

• Poland has passed legislation giving citizens free blood work and urinalysis every five years.

• There is some seriously weird food being served at this year’s Calgary Stampede.

The Election 🗳️

• It ain’t actually over yet! The federal election in Nunavut still has not been validated because one final ballot box has been delayed by a blizzard.

• Here’s why Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre moved out of his office, but not the official residence

Science News You Missed 🧪

• Heart-Smart Kid: A 14-year-old has created a smartphone app that can detect heart disease in just seven seconds.

• Astronomers discovered oxygen and elements like heavy metals in the most distant known galaxy.

• Monkey Medics: Ugandan chimpanzees, when left alone, will treat unrelated chimps’ injuries.

• New research finds well-designed gardens help people relax straight away.

Weird Crime 🚔

• If it speeds like a duck… A radar image of a speed offender caught in central Switzerland last month revealed that the culprit was not only a duck, but likely a "repeat offender."

• Donair and Dash: A man barged behind the counter of a donair restaurant in B.C. with a machete. But rather than attacking people, he just started shaving meat off and walked away with it.

The Dystopian Hellscape 🔥

• I’m sorry what now?! A private Christian school in Saskatchewan was caught advertising a teaching job… with no qualifications required. Elevation Academy said for its full-time science teacher role: “A bachelor’s degree or being an accredited teacher is not necessary…”

• Fear the beard: Texas Democrats are trying to ban Republican senator Ted Cruz from attending college playoff games, saying he's "a well-known curse."

• Hope you packed snacks: The president of Maldives held a press conference last week. It lasted for nearly 15 hours.

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