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by Tod Maffin
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Well, here we are again. The Americans are mad at us because they’ve just learned that jet streams don’t honour borders.
Some of them are spending their constituents’ time writing actual news releases titled Canada's Apologies Won't Clear Michigan's Skies.
“This is the third consecutive year we have had to write to Canadian officials about a crisis that Canada has the tools to prevent and has chosen not to.”
I’m sorry, are you at a Walmart right now? This is like every Karen video I’ve ever seen in every U.S. mall. “I reported this to your manager last week, and I’m still waiting for an apology.”
Do you even hear yourselves?
Well, I’m here to say we’re sorry. We apologize for the audacity—nay, the terrorism—of letting our forests spontaneously combust and sending their smoky death tendrils across the border to sully your fine American lungs. How dare we?
T O D B I T
Asbestos still isn't fully banned in the U.S. About 40,000 Americans die each year due to exposure.
After all, your country has done everything it possibly could to combat climate change: pulling out of climate agreements, expanding oil drilling, gutting the EPA, and vilifying Greta Thunberg as if she snuck into Texas and replaced all the oil rigs with vegan yoga retreats.
Surely fire is not a natural phenomenon exacerbated by the global warming you’re responsible for. Nobody could predict that.
T O D B I T
The US has emitted more CO2 than any other country in history.
Certainly not representative Jack Bergman who’s accepted more than a half million dollars from the energy and natural resource sectors.
No. It’s obviously a personal attack on America. A maple-scented missile of woke environmental warfare.
We admit it. The smoke was intentional. Coordinated, even. Our forest fires are a false-flag operation conducted by transgender antifa beavers pushing socialized medicine.
And shame on us for failing to pack it up in Ziploc bags and store it neatly above the 49th parallel like good neighbours should. We should’ve known the jet stream, a long-standing secret Canadian weapon, would betray us and float into your pristine cities like Los Angeles, where the air is very clean but for some reason you can actually chew it.
Tell us what you need, America, because clearly, you’re the real victims here.
Not the people in Canada losing homes to wildfires.
Not our firefighters dying to try to stop fires in your country.
Not the entire towns burning to the ground.
No you, just trying to enjoy a watery beer in Lansing, but you can’t because the air looks orange.
So again, from the bottom of our burning boreal hearts, we apologize.
Next year, we promise to get your permission before our forests combust. Or better yet, we’ll just pave them.
In fact, I propose a simple three-step process for addressing your discomfort being so close to us. Step 1: Shut the f*** up.
Actually, it was just that one step.
NEW: Discuss the wildfires with fellow readers!
Trivia
What the Fact?!
Greenhouse Gas: 🇨🇦 vs 🇺🇸
Population (approx., 2025) | 🇨🇦 ~41 million |
Annual greenhouse gas emissions (tonnes CO₂, 2024) | 🇨🇦 0.6 billion |
Share of global greenhouse gas emissions (2022) | 🇨🇦 ~1.5% |
Largest emitting country, 2022 | 🇨🇳 1st place: China |
Canada's emissions since 2005 | Declined 10.3% between 2005 and 2024 |
Canada's emissions per person | Fell 24% between 1990 and 2024 (22.0 to 16.6 tonnes CO₂e/person) |
Greenhouse gases measured | Seven gases (e.g. CO₂, methane, nitrous oxide), reported as CO₂e |
The Weekly Poll
When wildfire smoke crosses international borders, how should governments respond?
The Funny Bone
by Greg Kearney; used under licence.
What You Missed This Week
The Good News ♥️
Dancing Queen- A 10-year-old from North Preston, NS, earned a gold medal at the Dance World Cup in Dublin, Ireland.
Cool raccoon- Police in Barrie, ON, helped a raccoon cool down during a heatwave.
A man in Ottawa, ON, is training to run 100 km in 12 hours to raise $100,000 for the Ottawa Hospital.
A beloved McDonald's employee celebrated her retirement after 43 years on the job.
Two Saskatchewan men rescued an 84-year-old woman and her dog from her SUV as it was sinking into a slough.
SCIENCE!!!!!! 🔭
Amateur astronomer Joël Lapointe stumbled upon what researchers recently confirmed is a previously unidentified, 390-million-year-old meteor crater in Quebec's Côte-Nord.
Fowl play- Nova Scotians have been purchasing Guinea fowl to protect their backyards against the aggressively advancing tick population.
New gene technology could help Canadian canola cope with extreme weather.
The First Peoples 🪶
A plan has been reached to move a meteorite, sacred to many First Nations, from a museum in Edmonton to a new home in Elk Island National Park.
First Nations chiefs and other leaders from communities across the country have gathered in Ottawa for the Assembly of First Nations 2026 Annual General Assembly.
60 students from across the globe will embark on a boat journey from Nuuk, Greenland, to Iqaluit, Nunavut as part of the Students on Ice program.
Canadian Content 🍁
Comedian Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall has launched Bobby Logs Stories, a new podcast featuring original, silly stories for kids.
Priya Guns’ novel Hustle Baby follows a family of Tamil refugees who fled the civil war in Sri Lanka in search of a better life.
Named a Globe and Mail Best New Book of Summer 2026, Dan Werb’s Our Wild Familiars: How Animals Are Adapting to Cities and Reshaping the Natural World is out now.
New York Times Summer Reading pick The Solo Honeymoon: A Brief, Beautiful, True Love Story by Laura Murphy is now available.
Wild Things 🐻❄️
Nose Hill Park in Calgary, AB, has employed hundreds of goats to help manage invasive plants, reduce wildfire risk, and support grassland health.
Clubs for cubs- A bear stole a set of clubs from a BC golf course.
The Town of Comox, BC, is posting warning signs after a cougar was spotted near a suburban park.
Two long-beaked dolphins have been spotted swimming at separate locations around Vancouver Island, BC, this month, far from their usual range.
A humpback whale known as Pop Tart is no longer entangled in fishing gear, thanks to combined efforts on both sides of the Canada-U.S. border.
An endangered whooping crane made a rare appearance in central Alberta.
Sports 🏒
Making history- Madison Shipman made history as the first woman ever to call a regular-season game for the Toronto Blue Jays.
Canadian Olympic hammer thrower Ethan Katzberg threw a world-leading 83.64m season best to meet the current world record at the 16th Gyulai István Memorial in Hungary.
Carolina Hurricanes forward and Montreal native William Carrier took the Stanley Cup on a fun, food-filled tour of the Montreal area, even eating poutine from the cup.
A record 20,996 were in attendance at the Bell Centre in Montreal on Friday night for the first-ever regular-season WNBA game in the city.
Across Canada 📍
Former Prime Minister Justin Trudeau made his TikTok dancing debut in one of his girlfriend Katy Perry’s videos.
Une ville heureuse- Montreal, QC, was named in the top 20 happiest cities in the world by Time Out.
The federal government has confirmed that the Gordie Howe International Bridge connecting Ontario to Michigan will open on July 27, after several delays.
The Just For Laughs comedy festival is underway in Montreal, featuring acts such as Weird Al Yankovic, David Letterman, as well as a lot of exceptional Canadian talent.
Made in Canada
KITS Eyecare is a Canadian company founded in Vancouver, British Columbia, in 2018.
The city's Kitsilano neighbourhood inspired its name, and the business was launched by three friends, including eyewear entrepreneur Roger Hardy.
The founders aimed to make prescription glasses, contact lenses, and eye care more affordable and accessible through an online-first approach.
Today, KITS operates its own optical lab in Vancouver, where many prescription lenses are produced and assembled. The company sells both its own eyewear and popular designer brands, serving customers across Canada and the United States.