A Privatized Monarchy

America's “No Kings” movement, and the unfortunate rise of corporate royalty

Americans are marching for “No Kings Day” today, a protest against authoritarianism in all its forms. They’ve got good reason to be angry. Canadians, too, are holding protests across our land as well, in support of our American friends and neighbours.

But I have to say — it’s all a little bit awkward because, well, we do have a King, and he’s our head of state. His name’s Charles . You might’ve seen him on the money. (Or, depending on how quickly the Bank of Canada updates things, maybe you haven’t.)

To be honest, we rather like him because he’s quiet and stays out of our business. He lives across the ocean, doesn’t tweet at 3:00 a.m., doesn’t tell us to inject bleach, and doesn’t call journalists “enemies of the people.” 

In fact, our king doesn’t do anything. He’s like the wallpaper of our democracy. Decorative, familiar, but if he disappeared tomorrow, we’d all just go, “Huh.”

I shouldn’t say he does literally nothing. He waves, plants trees, and occasionally mumbles something awkward about architecture. He’s more a mascot here than anything. Nice guy, as far as I can tell, but we barely notice him. 

King Charles III doesn’t make our laws. He doesn’t veto bills. He technically has to give royal assent before it becomes law, but that’s a rubber stamp. Technically, the King’s representative — the Governor General — could withhold royal assent, but by convention that just doesn’t happen. Not in modern Canadian history, anyway.

He, through the GG, can prorogue Parliament, which stops it in its tracks, but that’s only happened at the request of the sitting government. The ruling monarch has never refused that request, even when a lot of us wished they had. 

Frankly, the only reason we keep him around is because Canadians like their ceremony. We like fancy hats, shiny medals, and old ladies who can curtsy without toppling over. The monarchy in Canada is basically our version of lawn bowling — it’s old, slow, no one’s sure why it’s still happening, but it gives the neighbours something to talk about.

All jokes aside, Americans worry they’ve elected a king, and I get it. A dictator, without a doubt.

But to some of us here in Canada, it looks a bit different.

Americans didn’t overthrow the monarchy, they monetized it. They built billionaires who bought the public square, are now selling it back to them in pieces.

The history books might need a correction: America didn’t abolish kings, it privatized them.

Luckily, American history is written by the same hands that push back. So keep marching. Keep shouting. You’ve still got friends across the border who believe in you — and in what’s right.

And we’ll be right here, keeping the lights on, waiting for you to find your way home.
 

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