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by Tod Maffin
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As I'm putting this together Thursday afternoon, 34,263 Canadians have taken my Tod's Long-Form Survey.
T O D B I T
For comparison, the 2019 Canadian Election Study, described as the largest-ever data collection of a Canadian federal election at the time, had 37,822 total respondents.
Members of The Tod Squad got the full survey results a few days ago (and you can too if you join!), but here are some of the most interesting ones.
Q: We buy our milk in:
The great Canadian milk-bag divide is alive and well. Nationally, gable top cartons won at 41.3%, bags took 32.4%, and plastic jugs landed at 24.0%.
But the average hides a civil war. Ontario buys milk in bags at 69.7%. British Columbia, where I live, is 2.6%. Quebec splits almost evenly between bags (49.4%) and cartons (44.8%), because Quebec refuses to make anything simple. And Newfoundland and Labrador opted out of the argument entirely, going 94.6% cartons.
Q: What is the thing you sit on in a living room?
Sorry, "chesterfield" fans. Couch ran away with it at 80.5%, sofa managed 10.9%, and chesterfield held on at 8.6%.
The chesterfield is not dead, it's just getting old with the rest of us. Among respondents 19 and under, only 1% said chesterfield. Among those 80 to 89, it climbs to 15.3%, rising steadily with every decade in between. It is a word slowly sinking into the cushions.
Q: What do you call a long knitted hat?
But in Quebec, 82.8% went with the French spelling (tuque). Everywhere else flipped it, with Saskatchewan the most committed at 85.3% toque. The 2.3% who answered beanie can quietly see themselves out. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Q: Do you follow the CFL?
Most of the country shrugged. 60.9% said not at all.
And then there is Saskatchewan. I offered a perfectly dignified option called "Yes, I follow closely." Saskatchewan looked at that option and walked right past it. Instead, 55.3% of Riders country selected, and this was the actual census option: "RIDERSSSZZ! (hiccup) LESSSS GOOOO!!!" Manitoba was the only other province that genuinely follows the league, at 26.1%.
R: Tim Hortons...
This was the single most united Canada has ever been on anything. 90.2% said Tim Hortons has gotten worse over time. The disappointment cuts clean across every age group.
People in their 30s were the harshest, at 94.6%. Even the most forgiving group, the 80 to 89 crowd, still landed at 77.7% worse.
Q: Sooo... How we feelin' about Gretzky these days, fam?
The Great One is having a rough census. 69.9% chose "He's dead to me." Another 23.8% landed on "it's so complicated," which is where Canadians go to be polite about a grudge. Only 6.3% still call him a national hero without an asterisk.
The resentment actually peaks in middle age, with the 60 to 69 crowd at 72.9%, while the teenagers and the eighty-somethings were a touch softer. Turns out the fastest way to lose a country is to cozy up to imperialistic dictators. Who knew?!
Q: What is the best Canadian snack food?
Upset alert. Hawkins Cheezies edged out butter tarts for the national crown, 26.7% to 26.0%, a margin thinner than the cheese dust on your fingers. Poutine took 19.6% and ketchup chips 14.2%.
The regional maps are far clearer than the country as a whole. Quebec went 51.1% poutine, to nobody's shock. The Prairies and BC are Cheezies territory, with Saskatchewan leading at 44.9%. And the Nanaimo bar, named for my own hometown, did not win a single province. Its best showing was 16.0%, here in BC, where we are legally required to be supportive.
Q: "Buddy came into the store today." Who is "Buddy"?
Nationally, Buddy is bad news. 48.5% said Buddy is "some dipshit," 35.2% called him a harmless stranger, and only 16.3% considered him a good friend.
But that's a big average because Buddy's reputation depends entirely on where you live. Out east, Buddy gets the benefit of the doubt, with Newfoundland at 56.0% harmless stranger and Nova Scotia close behind at 54.2%. In Alberta, 52.6% assume Buddy is a problem before he has said a word. Same name, same store, completely different guy depending on the postal code.
Q: Should Canada ever trust the United States again?
This one stopped being funny in a hurry. 46.9% said no, they messed up and we have moved on. Another 41.9% said yes, but it will take decades. Only 11.2% think the whole thing ends the day Trump leaves office.
For the age breakdowns: Among people 19 and under, 28% pinned it on Trump specifically. Among those in their 60s, that fell to 9.2%. The young still believe it is one man. The older you get, the more you suspect it is the whole house.
Q: Do you own a dedicated drawer for plastic bags?
51.4% admitted the bag drawer is real. 48.6% claimed they had no such thing.
So on the very next question, we asked whether they had just lied about it out of shame, and 7.6% confessed that they had. That is roughly 2,600 Canadians who tried to deny the bag drawer, felt the guilt creep up their spine, and came clean one question later. You can hide the drawer. You cannot outrun it.
NEXT WEEK: Some results from the U.S. census
There were more than 70 questions in total. To get the results for all the questions, become a member of The Tod Squad 💜 The link will be in the welcome email.
Trivia
Which Canadian snack food was originally invented as animal feed?
— 30 —
Join the discussion about this issue in my Discord community
The Weekly Poll
Who should replace Wayne Gretzky as Canada’s greatest living sports icon?
Last Week:
The Funny Bone
Thousands of P.E.I. patients left looking for family doctors
by Greg Kearney; used under licence.
What You Missed This Week
The Good News ♥️
The Miracle Gala in Victoria, BC, raised $1.4M for surgical oncology equipment for regional hospitals.
A 98-year-old former pilot has started a successful publishing company, Coast Dog Press, which he runs out of his room at Saanich Peninsula Hospital Extended Care.
Maligne Lake and Lake Huron were named among the 10 best lakes in the world by The Telegraph.
A Nova Scotia woman whose family hid a man during the Nazi occupation of the Netherlands in World War 2 met the son of the man her family helped to save.
SCIENCE!!!!!! 🔭
A researcher at Laurentian University is set to launch a project using honey bees to support remediation work at the Côté Gold Mine near Gogama, ON.
Hot pink and canary-coloured lights from an Ontario greenhouse glow so bright that astronauts can see them from space.
Buzzing Bluetooth- Tiny Bluetooth trackers were superglued onto 50 bumblebee queens, 30 wild and 20 commercial bees by researchers at the University of Guelph. .
The First Peoples 🪶
First Nations University of Canada in Regina,SK, is celebrating 50 Years of Indigenous-Led Education and Leadership.
Métis multidisciplinary artist Adele Arseneau's latest exhibit, Sacred Bundles, honours the grief of residential schools while celebrating the future.
A new supportive housing project in Whitehorse, YT, that will help house vulnerable Indigenous people is getting ready to move in its first tenants next month.
Clearwater River Dene Nation, about 520 kilometres north of Saskatoon, uses a seasonal land-based learning model to keep the students engaged in learning.
Indigenous Nations Apparel Company, a Winnipeg-based Indigenous company, is accusing fast-fashion brand Shein for allegedly stealing their designs.
Canadian Content 🍁
Funny Farm-Canadian comedy icon Tom Green’s new show, The Tom Green Farm, has just debuted on Crave.
Vancouver Island-based folk/alt rock singer Leroy Stagger’s latest album, Pilgrimage, is out now.
Metis/Ukrainian writer Conor Kerr’s newest novella, Beaver Hills Forever, is now available.
Wild Things 🐻❄️
Moosic- A Tubist serenaded cows at the Canadian Agriculture Museum as they paraded to the night pasture.
Pawfficers-Nine dogs and one horse were officially enlisted into the Calgary police department.
A litter of kittens was rescued from an apartment fire in Saskatoon; they are being rehabilitated and will be up for adoption soon.
Two Ojibwe spirit horses, a rare breed native to Northwest Ontario, which were, at one point, nearly extinct, were born at Sagehill Stables in Manitoba.
Sports 🏒
A Quw'utsun Nation teen from Duncan, B.C., will compete at the World Karate and Kickboxing Union World Championships in Germany.
The Montreal Victoire will celebrate their historic Walter Cup win with a parade in downtown Montreal.
Montreal Canadiens fans filled in for the anthem singer during“The Star-Spangled Banner” after the microphone cut out before Game 3 against the Carolina Hurricanes.
Former Boston Fleet head coach Kris Sparre has been named the head coach of Hamilton, Ontario’s new PWHL team.
Across Canada 📍
An aviation company in North Saanich will provide helicopters as part of the federal government’s first reserve of firefighting aircraft.
A recent poll shows the majority of Albertans would vote to stay part of Canada.
Female MLAs in Saskatchewan are getting their own member’s only washrooms, which male MLAs have had since 1912.
Anapolis Valley, NS, has kicked off its 92nd annual Apple Blossom Festival.
Politics 🧑⚖️
United States Trade Representative Jamieson Greer says tariffs will be in place for Mexico and Canada, despite the countries being part of a continental trade pact.
Liberal MP Steven Guilbeault has announced he will resign his seat in the House of Commons later this summer.
Canada’s International Trade Minister Maninder Sidhu says that this week’s visit from China’s foreign minister is a positive sign about the relationship between the two countries.
Canada’s Market This Week
Royal Bank | |
TD Bank | |
Enbridge | |
ScotiaBank | |
Bank of Montreal | |
CP Rail | |
Shopify | |
Canadian Tire | |
Loblaws | |
Tim Hortons (RBI) | |
Dollarama | |
Rogers |