Beavers are petty little shits.

In Russia a while back, city planners tore down a beaver dam to make way for some construction. The beavers waited till the middle of the night and then cut down every tree in the area and ripped up all the shrubs.

Follow a beaver long enough and it'll hide a literal line of shit in your path to prevent you from getting closer.

Beavers, like Canadians, are some of the most vindictive sons of bitches you will ever meet.

A Proud History of Grudge Holding

Thirty years ago, Coca-Cola pulled its bottling plant out of Newfoundland and even now Reddit is full of tourists saying, "Yo, what's with all the Pepsi here?"

More than a decade ago, Heinz up and closed its 100-year-old bottling plant with no notice. 750 workers left in the lurch. The French's company stepped in. To this day, Canadians buy French's, even though it's an American product.

Beavers, like Canadians, are pleasant, but we hold a grudge longer than a Twinkie survives the apocalypse. You might say we put the "rizz" in resistance.

The History They Forgot

America might do well to check its own history of battles with its northern neighbours. Exhibit A: The day we burned the White House to the ground.

Hell, their own national anthem is about that. Bombs bursting in air? Those were our bombs. The flag was still there? That's Francis Scott Key, stunned that an American flag still flew after we leveled Baltimore.

We know their history better than they do, and that's the point.

America has long reveled in the self-appointed title of “leader of the free world.” I've always thought it rather enjoys watching the world catch a cold when it sneezes.

Now, it's pushing its weight around to apply tariffs to almost every country in the world.

Left Off the Guest List

And how is the world responding?

• European countries meeting with Canada to cut America's trade out of the loop.

• Mexican tariffs of European imports slashed.

• EU restrictions dropped, allowing more investment in Mexico.

• India and the EU... without America.

• Apex nations without... America.

• Trans-Pacific countries... without America.

And after this whole trade war is over — years from now, when Trump's not even in office — how will the world view America? Not with hatred, not even pity. But with the one thing America fears the most: Irrelevance.

This year in the Czech Republic, local authorities have been planning a big dam project for seven years. Some local beavers moved in, and built it in two days.

Beavers, like Canadians, are petty as fuck.

But we finish what we start.

Good News Stories 🙂 

• Canadian singer Matthew Good has cut his upcoming U.S. shows, saying he won’t tour there again until there’s a “big political correction.”

• A new ranking reveals that Montreal, Toronto, Vancouver, and Ottawa are among the world’s best cities for students in 2026.

• A non-binary person has been granted a temporary stay in Canada after a judge ruled that immigration officials failed to consider the risks LGBTQ+ individuals face in the U.S.

• Canada-first: Facing steep U.S. tariffs, a Hamilton steel fabricator has successfully shifted from exporting to the U.S. to focusing on Canadian projects, like the new Calgary Flames arena, to avoid layoffs.

• The Canada Strong Pass is expanding to include dozens of museums and galleries, offering free or discounted admission for some Canadians until September 2nd. 

  • The pass aims to boost Canadian tourism by giving discounts on national parks, museums, galleries, and Via Rail fares.

• World records we didn't know could exist: An Ontario comedian is aiming to set the world record for the most garage sales in one day this weekend, hoping Belleville will make history.

Science!!! 🧪

• A family farming in Paris ON made a rare discovery when they unearthed what may be a 12,500-year-old spearhead.

• Canada needs an agency to handle UFO sightings, says a new federal report commissioned by the country's top scientist, calling for transparency around mysterious objects spotted in our skies. 

• A letter lost for 75 years has led German scientists to uncover one of the rarest minerals on Earth: humboldtine.

The First Peoples 🪶

• Amid the AI boom, Alberta could see its first Indigenous-led data centre as the Woodland Cree First Nation announced plans to acquire an abandoned power plant site to build the project on.

• Power has finally been restored to several northwestern Ontario First Nations after 4-day outages due to wildfires last weekend. 

• Walpole Island First Nation recently held a protest against the planned Dresden landfill expansion. 

Across Canada 📍

• Happiness has an area code: According to a new survey, the happiest people in Canada live in ✨Mississauga✨. 

• Smiles? Denied: Health Canada says that more than half of requests for complex dental work under the Canadian Dental Care Plan are being denied.

• Alberta hits an alarming milestone: The number of lab-confirmed measles cases has now surpassed all of the United States.

• Show up, or fork up: New rules in Quebec now let restaurants charge up to $10 for no-shows... people who reserve a table but don’t show up.

• Food Network Canada is on the hunt nationwide for home cooks to star in the next season of Come Dine With Me Canada – you can apply online. 

• Cat-astrophe: A B.C. couple has been fielding endless calls about their missing cat named Torbo... except they don’t own that cat. Instead, their number was printed on a viral “missing cat” shirt that's since been pulled.

Red Flags 🚩

• A man caught on camera in High River AB appeared to give a Nazi salute before ripping down a Pride flag from a home’s front porch last weekend. 

• A Toronto man was arrested after allegedly urinating on the steps of a place of worship while shouting antisemitic slurs.

• “The Candle Experience 2025” has been taking people for a ride... just not in a hot air balloon: York Region police warn of a scam where customers paid for rides but found no balloons or staff when they arrived.

This Dystopian Hellscape 🔥

• A driver has been charged after a vehicle carrying 12 migrants crashed near the Canada-U.S. border in Quebec, with eight fleeing the scene, showing the growing desperation of those with uncertain immigration status trying to escape Trump’s America.

• Kevin Spacey is now demanding the release of all Jeffrey Epstein files, saying he has 'nothing to fear.'

• Millions could lose Medicaid, but U.S. President Trump's focused on bigger issues, like claiming Coca-Cola has agreed to change its recipe to replace corn syrup with cane sugar, while the company hasn’t confirmed any changes and even defended corn syrup.

• San Jose’s mayor says he lets ChatGPT write his speeches, and after using it to help draft a $5.6 billion budget, he wants to have about 1,000 city workers use it too. 

• That's not how I remember the punchline: A woman who stopped at an intersection to let a chicken cross the road reportedly attacked another driver with bear mace after they sped past and 💀 the bird. 

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