by Tod Maffin
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⚠️ Canadians only! ⚠️
Not to be read by Australians or New Zealanders!
Fellow Canucks, the plan is going swimmingly.
The Aussies and Kiwis have no idea of our annexation plans, and now that we have cemented trust through the Carney love offensive, we can move to phase two.
I realize annexing nations is a touchy subject here, but we should feel good about bringing hope to these nations:
They've never had the experience of drip coffee that's been sitting on the burner at Tim Hortons for eight hours. These people think they have standards. We will lower them gently, one Double Double at a time.
They keep spiders as house pets and give them names.
They don't even have a winter, they have one breeze in mid-August and then all dress like it's minus 30.
Adorable, yes, but these are not a civilized people.
Also, they lie to us. Drop bears? Not a thing. Flat whites? Not real coffee.
I think we all know they could benefit from everything we have here. For one thing, a sun that's not trying to kill us. (I mean, it is, but not quite as aggressively.) We'll replace whatever that death ray machine they have in the sky is with ours, a sun that most of us only see for a few weeks in the summer anyway.
Obviously, we bring them hockey. Teach them how to play. We'll have to call it ice rugby for a few years until they adopt it, and by the time they figure it out, it'll be too late. They'll be calling each other hoseheads and arguing about why the Leafs suck so much.
It's time. We've been wired to these people since 1902.
T O D B I T
The trans-Pacific cable to Australia and New Zealand began in 1902 on Vancouver Island. Its first leg, (see Test Your Knowledge question below!), was the longest cable run in the world at the time.
Now, we already have a Sydney, so they'll have to rename theirs to Lower Lloydminster.
T O D B I T
Sydney, Nova Scotia and Sydney, Australia are named after the same British Home Secretary, Lord Sydney. The Nova Scotia city came first, in 1785, three years before the Australian one.
The money thing is basically done. They were the first out of the gate with the plastic money anyway, so easy peasy. We'll have a one-year amnesty on those weird hats they wear, and trade them for toques.
Now, there is also the subject of their looks. Yes, most of them are more attractive than us. They're like the hot cousins we only ever see at weddings.
I don't know what their national dish is. BBQed kangaroos? Whatever it is, it can't be any better than poutine.
Tell no-one.
T O D B I T
New Zealand once considered becoming an Australian state. A royal commission unanimously said no in 1901.
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Join the discussion about this issue in Tod’s Clubhouse!
(Or join my Discord.)
Test Your Knowledge!
In 1902, a trans-Pacific telegraph cable connected Canada with Australia and New Zealand. What was the name of the tiny Pacific island that served as a key relay point on the cable's route?
The Weekly Poll
What would be the hardest thing for Australians and New Zealanders to accept about becoming Canadian?
Last Week:
Drawing Conclusions
NB considers restricting Maine hunters, anglers
What You Missed This Week
The Good News ♥️
Vancouver charity Cycling Without Age is helping seniors connect with one another through bicycle rides.
Neighbours of a Somali man in Victoria, BC, who has been working to bring his family to Canada for eight years, have helped him raise enough funds to do so.
A University of Ottawa student is working to address the under-representation of women in healthcare leadership through her 'Learn 2 Lead Girls' project.
Saul Hafting of Annapolis Royal, NS will appear in the 2027 Guinness Book of World Records for ‘ Rubik’s Cubes solved while on a pogo stick '.
A Victoria man who helped save the life of a hang glider dangling from a cliff has been awarded the Carnegie Hero Medal, North America’s highest civilian honour for heroism.
SCIENCE!!!!!! 🔭
Researchers at the University of British Columbia have identified and named two new sea spiders; the first new sea spider species discovered in nearly a century.
New Brunswick schools are integrating AI into their K-12 curriculum, drawing both praise and pushback.
The number of Nova Scotians visiting the ER for treatment of tick bites dropped by about 50% since 2021, when the province gave pharmacists permission to assess and provide preventative treatment for Lyme disease.
The First Peoples 🪶
Indigenous volunteers are helping care for ‘rez dogs’, beloved mixed-breed strays who roam communities without a single owner, with little funding.
As Canadian politicians were pitching major projects to foreign investors in Toronto, First Nations youth in Ottawa were making their own pitch to Canadians to join the fight against them.
After 40 years in storage, a massive painting by Ojibway artist Norval Morrisseau has been unveiled at the Thunder Bay Art Gallery in northwestern Ontario.
A Tahltan language instructor in northern B.C. has been using a puppet named Tsūtsū, the Tahltan word for grandmother, to make teaching and learning more joyful.
Canadian Content 🍁
Internationally renowned and prolific electronica artist Daphni has released an expanded edition of his album Butterfly.
Musician Colin James' memoir, Playing the Changes, is a humorous and heartfelt look at his life from the Saskatchewan prairies to star-studded stages.
Book Two in The Shining Waters series, Bernice and the Wild Waters by Métis author Jessica Outram is now available.
Racing Waters, a nine-episode docuseries following Snuneymuxw First Nation’s Island Brave Canoe Club on Vancouver Island, has premiered on APTN.
Season 65 of The Nature of Things with new hosts Sarika Cullis-Suzuki and Anthony Morgan has new episodes airing weekly on CBC Gem.
Traitors Canada is back on Crave for season 4, featuring reality stars from Canada’s Drag Race, Big Brother Canada, and Justin Bieber’s dad.
Wild Things 🐻❄️
Bat species in Nova Scotia are slowly growing in numbers despite declining populations throughout North America.
A BC family enjoying a boat ride on Okanagan Lake rescued a bear cub who was struggling in the water.
A Spanish greyhound named “La Gracia” is home safe 3 weeks after escaping the TM’z Veterinary Clinic in Lumsden, SK.
A report from Rover and Redfin has named Vancouver, BC Canada’s best city for dog walking.
Across Canada 📍
Statistics Canada has revealed that Olivia is no longer the most popular girls' name; the top spot has been taken by Charlotte.
Jann Arden will headline a concert in Calgary for Canadian unity ahead of the Alberta referendum.
James Barker Band and Cameron Whitcomb were big winners at this year's Canadian Country Music Awards.
Angine de Poitrine, the masked and ornately costumed band from Saguenay, Que., won the 2026 Polaris Music Prize.
Sports 🏒
UCI Road World Championship is officially underway in Montreal, QC, with riders from around the world racing through the city.
Hockey Night in Canada will broadcast PWHL games during the 2026-2027 season.
Canadian women’s soccer head coach Casey Stoney has unveiled the squad that will take on Denmark in a pair of games next month.
Made in Canada
King Cole Tea’s story began in 1867, when brothers George and William Barbour established a food wholesaling business in Saint John, New Brunswick. Tea became central to the company’s future, and in 1910, King Cole was officially introduced.
Originally sold loose leaf, the brand adapted as tea bags became popular, eventually becoming a household staple across Atlantic Canada.
Ownership changed in the 1950s, when the Brenan family acquired the business.
In 1966, operations moved to Sussex, New Brunswick, where King Cole is still blended and packaged today. Although its tea leaves are sourced internationally, the brand maintains its Canadian roots.
Now part of G.E. Barbour Inc., King Cole remains a familiar regional favourite, known for its traditional blends and distinctive orange packaging.
This is not sponsored. This brand learned we profiled them the same time you did.
Also see Tod and Jocelyn’s Buy Canada projects: Main Street Canada and Unplug America