A lot of Americans are in the comments of my social media posts asking if they can come live here in Canada.

And listen, we get it. You’ve had a rough go. But before you pack up the U-Haul and head north, there are 11 things you’re going to have to learn.

The metric system
I’m sorry, but we’re right on this one. In fact, you’re one of only three countries that haven’t officially adopted metric yet, and the other two are Liberia and Myanmar. Metric makes sense. Zero is freezing. One hundred is boiling. Clean. Simple. Fahrenheit was obviously invented by some drunk guy from Minnesota who thought “32” was “nippy.”

How to drive in winter
Black ice is not a cocktail. It’s the reason your pickup is in the ditch. Every Canadian has a story about black ice and none of them end with, “and then I got to work on time.” If you think you can handle Canadian winters because you once drove through a snowstorm in Ohio, no you can’t and shut up.

How healthcare works in Canada
You walk in, you get treated, you walk out. Nobody swipes your credit card. You don’t have to Venmo the nurse — we don’t even have Venmo up here. What you do get is a plastic chair in a waiting room that smells of antiseptic and despair, and you will sit in it until your name is called. And while you wait, you’ll start looking around and diagnosing other people in the room. ‘That guy’s a goner.’

Hockey
Here, kids start playing hockey early. And by “play hockey,” I mean their parents mortgage the house to pay for equipment, ice time, and hotel rooms in Moose Jaw. You don’t need to love the sport, but you’d better know enough to know what your closest city team name is. Because if you don’t, you’re not “quirky,” you’re a national security threat.

Tim Hortons
Tim Hortons isn’t just bad, it’s aggressively bad. The coffee is basically warm water that might have sat near a bean at some time. The sandwiches taste like drywall, but somehow with less texture. But this is Canada: we still line up for it every morning. Not because we like it, but because we’ve accepted that the meaning of life is suffering. 

Place names
The big city in Ontario is pronounced “Tronna.” Nobody says the second “t” except Americans. Newfoundland is “New-fun-LAND,” and if you don’t clap it out, they’ll know you’re from away and charge you extra for the beer. And yes the capital of Saskatchewan rhymes with exactly what you think it does.

Politics
If you’re moving here from the U.S., prepare yourself: there’s no “us versus them.” There’s us, them, those guys, the other guys, and Quebec doing their own thing entirely. Five political parties. Or maybe seven? I’ve kind of lost count. Think of elections less like an election and more like speed dating, except everyone shows up late, insults you to your face, and then you still end up paying for the meal. And their salary.

Apologizing
In Canada, “sorry” isn’t about guilt, it’s about conversational rhythm. It’s not an admission, it’s a comma. Someone bumps into you, you say sorry. You bump into them, you say sorry. We say it so often, there are actually laws here that saying sorry doesn’t legally count as an admission of fault.

The cold
Don’t tell us you “get winter too.” No, you don’t. You get an inch of snow in Virginia and suddenly Anderson Cooper is outside wearing a parka the size of a camping tent, and yelling like he’s reporting from a war zone. Grocery stores sell out of milk, governors declare states of emergency, and somewhere a man is being interviewed on live TV because he successfully walked to his mailbox. In Canada, we call that called October.

The Canadian identity
We’re not “basically Americans with healthcare.” If we were, our national animal wouldn’t be a beaver, it would be something louder, like a bald eagle with a podcast.

Beer
Beer is sold is not sold in “cases,” they’re sold in “two-fours.” And yes, it’s stronger than your piss-water. So when you shotgun three at an east coast kitchen party because you “used to crush American beer in college,” don’t be surprised when you wake up under a canoe.

So yes, Americans, you can move here.

But be warned: the day you show up at a barbecue and ask, “Do you have ranch?” That’s the day the neighbours form a committee.

And you do not want to be on the wrong side of a Canadian committee.

There’s Still Good News Out There ❤️ 

• Paddling > paperwork: An American army veteran recently made headlines after crossing the Detroit River by kayak earlier this month, landing in LaSalle, Ont. Now he says he’s claimed asylum in Canada, seeking refuge and temporary status after fearing for his life back home.

• A family has biked across the country to honour their late 8-year-old son, who dreamed of running across Canada like his hero Terry Fox, raising more than $300K for a new Ontario hospice. 

• U.S. Vice President JD Vance was heckled by protesters while visiting National Guard troops at Washington’s Union Station.

• Relationship goals: A Cape Breton couple is celebrating 75 years of marriage, Ray and Jean MacKay, who got engaged just days after meeting in 1950.

• A group of veterans, including a father-son duo, have set out on a five-week, 1,000-kilometre paddle down the Ottawa River to raise money for Wounded Warriors Canada.

• West Kelowna cancelled a concert by a MAGA-aligned Christian musician, pulling the event’s permit just days before showtime over safety concerns.

Wild Things 🐻 

• They don’t give af about borders: A New Brunswick lobster tagged in the Bay of Fundy was recently spotted off Cape Cod, Massachusetts.

• A Winnipeg woman says her dog accidentally started a stove fire twice, and she only learned afterward that the appliance was under a safety recall.

• Canadian Mutant Ninja Turtles: Rare albino Blanding’s turtles hatched near Ottawa with pink skin, blood-red eyes, and almost white shells.

Trade War: Canada vs U.S. 🥊 

• 🤷 Sip happens: Quebec’s liquor board may have to destroy $300,000 worth of American alcohol banned from stores as some products approach their expiration dates.

• Tariffs threaten SMBs: New data suggests nearly 20% of Canadian small businesses may close within six months as owners grapple with rising costs brought on by tariffs.

• A new poll shows Canadian approval of U.S. leadership has plummeted to 15% amid trade tensions and remarks suggesting Canada should become the “51st state.”

• Toronto is pursuing a sole-source deal for new TTC trains in the wake of U.S. tariffs, with Ontario-based workers set to build the cars.

• Inflation slowed to 1.7% in July, thanks largely to relief at the gas pumps, but grocery and shelter costs rose at a faster pace last month.

The Sorry Files 🤦 

• Beware of “hugging bandits”: Alberta police say the public should mind strangers asking for hugs or sharing sob stories after three people were arrested in a string of “distraction” thefts across Canada.

• Police targeted Nickelback fans in B.C., nabbing 18 alleged drunk drivers from roadside checks set up for the concert.

• An Ontario man is facing charges after allegedly assaulting a home intruder.

• An arbitrator has ordered a Toronto teacher who wore blackface to school on Halloween to be reinstated with nearly two years’ back pay, ruling his suspension was sufficient punishment.

• Heist level? Unhinged: Police in southwestern Ontario are investigating thefts at several Norfolk County cemeteries, where suspects reportedly sought brass and bronze items, including nameplates, screws, and in one case, an urn.

• Five members of the Canadian Armed Forces have been suspended, and military police are investigating after a video surfaced showing a group of people giving Nazi salutes.

Across Canada 📍 

• Radioactive shrimp? Not in my country: The U.S. FDA warned against eating possibly radioactive shrimp sold at Walmart, but Canadian authorities say none of the affected products has been sold here.

• 🤭 Just Canada's richest families' things: The Thomson and Weston families are competing to buy Hudson’s Bay royal charter, with plans to donate it to different national institutions.

• Some Ontario grocers say they may stop selling alcohol rather than comply with new provincial rules requiring them to accept returns of bottles and cans starting next year. 

• More than 60 people had to be rescued by helicopter from a B.C. park in the East Kootenay region after heavy rain flooded the area.

• Elon Musk made an unexpected stop in Bella Bella, B.C., in a small private plane before being flown out by helicopter, with some speculating he was headed to James Murdoch’s nearby coastal property.

• The Winnipeg Humane Society says it was asked to leave the Hanover Ag Fair over a display featuring a papier mâché pig and a human-sized cage meant to raise awareness about gestation crates.

Dystopian Hellscape 💀 

• A New Brunswicker says she was handcuffed and detained at the U.S. border for allegedly travelling with “too much clothes” while trying to visit her fiancée.

• w.t.a.f. The White House says slavery is being taught the wrong way and shouldn’t be so negative, and plans to lead "a comprehensive internal review of selected Smithsonian museums and exhibitions."

  • Trump recently called the Smithsonian "OUT OF CONTROL" and said museums across the U.S. are "WOKE."

• More than 750 current and former U.S. health department employees have published a letter rebuking Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., saying his “dangerous and deceitful statements” contributed to recent violence at CDC headquarters.

• A rainbow crosswalk honouring the victims of the 2016 Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando, Florida, has been painted over by the state's Department of Transportation.

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